i want mick jagger to sing me to sleep,

to tell me it’s just a shot away.

is this what it’s like?

i never knew a life could be this way,

what does that n word mean then?

normal.

what.

does.

that.

mean?

is it only everything i’m not?

is it though?

i hate to know others are like me,

and feel the same pain,

the same unique sense of being alone,

a ghost in the wrong plane.

i think the beatles never knew,

where all the lonely people come from,

where they belong.

do we all belong to each other?

can we be stepping stones,

for one another?

everyone wants to help everyone,

no one wants to help themselves.

jim morrison was right;

people are strange.

we, the people,

we are very strange.

i am tired of this space

i am tired of this place

i am tired of this face

but all the words in my head and on my fingers are ugly and i don’t know what to do

i wish my brain was a place where lovely, painful, moving things grew

but i don’t even know what the hell is even going on up there right now anyway

so i guess it doesn’t really matter

my heart hurts every night lately

i’m having weird lucid absurd dreams where people are keeping things from me in front of my eyes and i hear the secrets they try to keep me in the dark about

i’m having second and third and hundredth thoughts about my life and where it is

i’m finding myself dreading sleep every night again but the sound of people exhausts me

my jaw hurts from being so clenched

sometimes i feel so much i just want my bones to snap

i have fantasies of stabbing myself

my fingernails are long now and i dig them into my skin and i claw at myself

i feel like all the love in me is fighting to keep me feeling good

it wins and it doesn’t

i wish i were a fox

i want meditation space and time

i want something clean inside me

i feel like i need to be doused in the ocean

i want to breathe underwater and face my fear of the vastness of the sea

i want to remember what it’s like to feel on fire

i am afraid i have built it all up and i am going to die from this

i wonder when enough will be enough

i wonder what happens then.

i wandered lonely as a clud

there. i ruined it

does that make it okay for me to use it?

it’s four am and my brain is bleeding

and anyway,

clud seems more fitting

unreal and strange sounding

ugly

time is running away from my eyes

i feel half lived

where did it all go

and where is it all going

ooh watch her get philosophical up in this bitch

i probably ruined this too i guess

i don’t know how to feel about that

there’s something like a settling happening in my head

waters are calming

or

something

i never know what i’m talking about.

i’ve been feeling,

feeling headless.

lately it’s been very,

very hard.

is this the reason that

i can’t do anything?

yes.

must be

it is because i am

headless.

where my mind is lost

and why my brain won’t work

headless

i have a heart and it pumps so painfully

i have a heart and it feels so fearfully

i have a heart and it hurts

what is there to do?

when i can only feel,

and i can’t understand it

my brain is on the run

thought escapes me

i’ve lost my mind

lately i’ve been feeling,

feeling headless.

from my mind springs oceans of thoughts

i think about it all the time

the sensation of maybe settles heavily into my bones

i don’t know what i’m talking about

my mind feels scattered

i feel scattered

like i’ve shot myself in the head with a bullet

and my thoughts have been blown out

all across the room

i live in a world where all i want to do is burn out

so i just light it up

this world is mad

but it’s alright because i am mad too

and i am getting nothing if not madder

so i will always be alright here

and alright still

i am drowning in my own heart

suffocating under heavy memories

words piling up in my brain

there is only so much my skull can hold

fissures form

cracks appear

dust crumbles

thoughts leaking

my mind spills out of my ears and eyes

pooling in the crevices of my collarbones

weighing down my shoulders

envy is atlas

watching me struggle

it is all

…

so

…

much

(too much)

-june11